AngelTears

2003-05-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

Good... Better. Great! Thats how life goes for me! Things just keep turnin for me and they are turning good. God really helped me get over Aaron and now I know I am, because I'm happy. The funny thing is, he's not.. Infact, he's confused. He wants 2 different girls.... so I was just a new thing to him, and now he has too many girls, and doesn't know what to do. I thought about it and now I know that he's isn't for me. He's not the one.. I know it now. Its just funny how things work out. I have a great guy in my life, plenty of friends there for me, and I am just in general happy! Life is grand... I'll write more tomorrow, or maybe later, I need to talk to peeps. Adios World.

2003-05-06T00:39:00.000-05:00

Hey peeps! Guess what! Chicken Butt! Guess why? Chicken Thigh! Okay I'm done. Anywho... this weekend has been all about work. I'm so tired of working! I've worked every day since last thrusday and I have to work tuesday too! OH well.. I'll deal. Anyways, I talked to Aaron today, he told me to read his blog, which I need to do, because I want to be there for him, but I"m scared I"m going to screw myself up. I don't want that. SO I don't know if I'll read it or not. Its probably just about how he's not getting over Audrey and how he's datin her and takin her to go see x-men 2 and angermangement.. and all of these other freaky movies. Probably the same reason he's trippin and won't give up. She's probaly just going to fuck him over in the end. I don't want to see that happen. I know I used to, but for some reason, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I hope because it means I'm over him. I mean of course I will never be fully over him, but I'm at the point where I know the past won't grant me another chance, and that Aaron doesn't want me. I have to face that fact on my own. He likes or possiably loves Audrey! So, let him have her! I told him, that he will always hold a spot in my heart that can belong to him, but for now it belongs to Peyton. One of my good friends Sean who lives in Seattle, says he's thinking about moving down here for school! OMG if he does! It's going to be like Christmas all over again! LoL. by that I mean, it's going to so awsome! I can't wait! I doubt he will actually do it, but just the thought of him... living near me... is like thrilling! I'm like woo hoo! I finally got that damn poetry project done! It was really good. I had a lot of poems about Aaron in it because we had to use 5 poems that we wrote, and those were some that I had written in the past, and it would have just been faster, so I used them. Ms. Bredhold is probably going to get peod because she didn't really like when I wrote Aaron the first poem... she doesn't know the good side of him, all she knew is what she thought, she never learned that he was innocent, like i did... and as much as I love Ms. Bredhold, in a way, I blame her. She kept talking me to do it, to break up with him, and so like a repeating pattern in my head, I see myself standing in the Industrail Hall breaking up with Aaron. I need to stop blaming others for my faults, but in this case, there was more than one reason she pursayed me. She let me read the note, and she kept talking me into telling me Aaron wasn't anything, when actually he was everything. I don't know, everything i say now, it makes more sense. I don't feel like I have to cry anymore. Good thing I suppose. Well I must go. I'm going to get to bed... and aaron, I'll read your blog tomorrow, not that you read this thing, but hey it's worth a shot.! Adios World!

2003-04-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

AIR... I NEED AIR.... It's so hott in this house! I just wish the landlord would turn on the air.. I have 2 fans and a window open ... and I'm dyin up in here! Anyways... guess what! I got my car! I'm soooo happy! WOO HOO! My mom cleaned it up and it actually looks nice, but I still don't like the shape of the car. I wen to the tanning bed today.. I got burned... again.. I went for 15. Thats okay... I am getting tan, I notice my tan lines! OH YA GO ME! My ex bf keeps coming up to me and kissin me on my check... it's annoying! He needs to stop. And if you are thinkin about Aaron... no.. Wayne... I hug people, it's my thing, and so I guess he really takes it entirely the wrong way! I don't know... i mean, what if he doesn't mean anything buy it, then I would feel horriable by tellin him I have a bf when he goes to do it... I think at lunch i will just bring my bf up... and then randonly talk about him. Maybe then he'll figure it out.. dunno... this is a guy I'm trying to deal with here.. oh no... this could take awhile! lol. I piged out on salad today.. I just got some from the store and it was yum! I went to go see Aaron's sister today... I had to go to her work to buy a few things and I went to see if she was there and she was. So I talked to her for awhile. She's really nice. I always did like Aarons family.. exspecially Danielle... she was so cute! She liked me a lot... I think. But it's cool. Aaron and Audrey did break for certain.. I braved up and read the blog... which I only read one entry.. its the only thing that I wanted to read! They are dating now... the bad part is... I know he's gonna get screwed over like I did. Which is scary cuz that is what I wished for.... but now it's bad because I don't want to see him hurt. Cuz I don't care anymore. Plus my 2 friends are witches... and I am kinding thinking they had something to do with this shit. So I'm going to have to talk to them on how you don't put out wishing spells. Grr.. Lol. Its cool, I would have done it myself for a friend in need. But thats when I wanted revenge.. when I wanted him to pay for what he did. But I mean, it's my fault, so why should I make him pay. See I don't relize this shit until after I'm over him. LoL. There are 3 main things that made me get over him too. Peyton, my friends, and the thing I made him... that I look at everyonce in awhile. I honestly love the thing i made him.. I don't really wanna give it to him.. I did way to much work on it! Well that's it for now... I'll talk to you later world. Adios!

2003-04-29T22:12:00.000-05:00

Last weekend was a lot of fun, Friday night I went to go see a movie with this guy named Michael. He's cool.. he's just my friend tho.. I still have a bf, and care about my bf very very much! We went to go see Anger Management! It was funny as hell! When we got there we ran into some more friends from school, Josh, Tyson, and Mike. Those guys are the biggest movie critics in the world! But its cool, they are awsome! Infact, Josh asked if I would like to go again and I was like "HELL YEAH!" So yup, in a few more weeks, movie night once again! So after the great movie, we went to Wendy's and ate.... the group of us did, and then the 3 guys went home and me and mike cruised green, took green out as far as it could go, then just went driving around out in the country talking.. it was fun. He took me home and I went to bed.. cuz I was pooped. Saturday I worked my ass off until 7 and then I went home. I ended up calling Michael and we went and got Samantha, and then we went to see Identity.... good movie btw. Scary... but good! Since none of us were over 17, we couldn't get in on our own, lucky, John was there to save us! John is Sara's (Davids Ex-gf, my 2nd best friend) Sisters, fiance. if that makes since. ANywho I see John all the time because he comes into my work to buy groceries. So when I saw him at the movies, we asked him to get us in... how pathetic! loL. But ti worked and he did. I remember him saying "I feel like I'm buying cigerettes for minors." Lol. He's funny. When his fiance (Gena, Sara's sister) got there, she came up to me and said hi. I also saw Jeff there, a friend of Aarons.He was going to go see Malibu's Most wanted though. After the movie, we hit the bowling ally. Samantha and me partied all night long! Until 2:00 anyways.. my dad was out all night so he didn't even know we went to the bowling ally until we told him the next day! He came home around 3:30 in the morning.. so we beat him home by a long shot! Sunday I worked... it sucked... I went home... and did nothing! OH wait... I got online and then I went to bed! LoL. Monday was a bad day, today was a bad day, well until I got home from work anyways. Me and my mom talked about my car (which I get in a matter of days now) 1 to be exact. Cuz tomorrow, my grandma is giving it to me, which is the reason I will not be at school in the morning! WOO HOO! CAR FOR ME NONE FOR U! My mom is going to clean it up and drive it for me for awhile. Then the day I get outta school, i get my car. I'm also excited because we are getting the apartment across the street, too! My mom turned in the application for it and it's all good! ( I had gravy there but since Aaron hates that phrase, I switched it for him). OH wait, yesturday was kinda good, Rebecca called me, my ex-bf's little sister that I had mentioned in here before. I was so glad to here from her. I told her I was going to try to come see her soon. So I"m going to keep that promise! As long as Chris isn't around I"ll be okay. Chris is actually cool, but it's been really accward for me to be around him since the break-up. He was like my best friend, and I was really happy with him, but he got sick of me, just like Aaron did. Speaking of Aaron, I heard that Aaron and Audrey broke up, I'm not for certain it's the truth because I just overheard it. You know how rumor's fly now days. Anyways, If it is true, I don't know. Like I was thinking about this, am I happy that this happened, am I sad, am I okay with it, do I want him back... the thing is, I don't know! I will admit that I miss the old us, but I do NOT miss how I was always in pain by him. I am not sorry that she broke up with him because I think he should feel the hurt that I felt, u know when you chase someone down for a long time and they don't give a good enough chance. I became so obsessive and crazed, and horriable, that I hate myself for it. I was a wreck! I am terriably sorry for all of that! I am happy with where I stand in life right now, I have fun, I can be me, and not have to worry who I please. I really like how I have changed. The last time I cried.... was over my grades. And it was because I was majorly stressed out! Because I am so buggin with my grades. WEll this is far to long. Adios World. Good night!

2003-04-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

Life... hmm... I don't know what I think about it anymore. Things are shaping up...for example.. I have really good grades in all of my classes except newspaper... but I'm going to try to get that up too! I have a B in History.. that is like the highest grade ever I have in there.! I'm really proud of myself for that. Infact... I talked to Mrs. Burnheart about huskettes and she said that if I can get my grades up and someone drops out I"m in because I did good enough to get in! WOO HOO GO ME! As far as Aaron... We talk.. at school. Thats it! I called him the other day tho to inform him that the Linkin Park concert has officially been canceled! It sucks. I'm going to go sit in a corner, take the laptop with me, and pout. *pouts* Anyways.. I'm over it... I get some money. My favorite teacher has been making me little necklaces that are really cute. She gives em to me for like 5 dollars.Last night.. I did something very brave.. I asked someone I have never mentioned in my blog before to go out with me. They said yes! I'm happy! I've actually been wanting to go out with this person for a really long time, but never got the chance. His name is Peyton... and he's hott... and muscular... and ALL MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! I'm not greedy at all! Anywho... He's great! So far anyways! LoL. He'll be great forever tho because I've known him since the 7th grade and seriously... theres something about him thats cool. Anywho.. I might end my blog.. I'm not sure who reads it anymore. I'll probably start another one... but only give the addy out to Sean, Breya, and my bf, and my mom. Kristi too. I think this who blog was a depressing one... I don't want my life to be all about depressed. Because I honestly have it a lot better than most people. I have good friends, a fairly good life, a great boyfriends, and great parents. I don't credit my family and friends and boyfriends enough. Thats one thing I need to change. Sometimes people will do things and bend over backwards to please me, and I don't give them that credit. I abuse what relationship I have with that person, whoever it maybe. For example, my mom, she does all kinds of things for me, and I just don't appreciate her enough. My best friend Samantha, she'll go bowling for 3 hours just so I can have fun, and yet I get mad at her for flirting with some guys. I mean, I see where I am bad, so I can change. I think it would be wise for me to change too. So all of you friends of mine that read this... thanks! Thanks for puttin up with me and being there for me when I need you the most! Even William! I want to say sorry to Aaron too, because I put him through so much. I sent him a really long email oplizing.... so maybe he'll forgive me. I'm not sure that I'm going to make a new blog... but if I don't then this one will no long be sappy bullshit. Well hopefully not, as long as my life stays on the good streak I'm fine. Well I g2g... my bf is Iming me out the wazoo.. grr.. lol. jk. no I don't mind!!!!!! I like him talking to me! :) Adios World. good night!

2003-04-16T23:03:00.000-05:00

Fuck Life, Fuck it all. I can't do anything because of my grades. I'm about ready to go back to Bosse and deal with peoples shit so I can fucking do color guard. Not to mention I want to kick this gurls ass for being such a bitch to me all of my life! I tried out for Huskettes today and they told me that I will not make the team. So it was no point, but i did it anyways. She says if there is an opening that I could fill it if my grades were good enough. I'm fucking sick, Aaron isn't talking to me, nor do I even know if I'm ready to talk to him, I want to though, but I am still kinda like fucked up. He has just been ignoring me and its really bad. He could at least say something to me! Since he's going out with Audrey I doubt he's even reading my blogs. What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself. I try to be happy, but I can't. I made my bed, and now I have to lye in it. Thats what happen these days. I made something for Aaron that I wanted to give to him at the concert, but now I don't even know if I want to. Because of that stupid whole deal with Audrey I feel like I can't do anything anymore. She's tooken him away as my friend cuz its obvious he can't even say hi to me or good luck for my try-outs today which umm... he knew I was doing and it really meant something for me. So I don't know. Fuck him I guess. No wait. I already did that. The whole world hates me, everyone fucking turns there back on me. Why do people do this? Do they get a thrill out of it or something. "I just want to find one decent guy." Thats what I always used to say. Figures, I do, and I fuck it up, so I won't be happy again. Why couldn't i have wished for more? See Aaron is happy. I am sad. I was happy... with Wayne....but I gave that up. I don't really want to go out with him again though. I'd feel dumb. David and me have been hanging out a lot recently. I have fun with him, but no... he's just not my type. Although I think he wants to me to be Sara. (He's ex.) (My bestfriend besides Samantha). He's always had a crush on me and I went out with him for 3 days, and then I broke up with him cuz I went out with him for the wrong reasons. Plus, Micah, was wanting to go back out with me so I went out with him.. damn this story sounds familiar! Aaron reminds me of Micah in many ways, the way he acts, how he treats me, what I feel, the games after the relationship, but I figured it was different with Aaron, because Aaron is a senior and mature, unlike my 8th grade bf Micah. Its like while your in the relationship you have so much, but afterwards you have nothing. I don't want Aaron to be how me and Micah are today. I feel uncomforable being around Micah. He's a horror though... I think I got him there... cuz umm.. ya. LoL. I think I awoke his ummm manlyness. Is that how I should put it? But it was 8th grade, things happen. Grr... Why can't my life just be good? WHY!? Its like nobody cares. I'm stuck in a world that I don't want to be in alone! Well I guess thats it. Aaron.. if you still read this, I'm sorry for everything. I know sometimes I seem like I just won't leave you alone, but I just wanted you back.... sorry. And please just fucking talk to me or something! Just because you have a gf doesn't mean I'm going to kill you. Ya, I'm upset, and hurt, and pissed, and angry, but you ignoring me just pisses me of worse. As for Audrey, you can keep that between you too. But I will be here if you want to talk... and so will Leah. Oh wait thats right, you might want to go to Leah cuz... umm.... you don't feel open with me. So her sn is blondone63. Well Adios World.... Bye Aaron.

2003-04-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

This is going to be the hardest blog to write... cuz something has to be said... that I don't want to say.... Aaron and Audrey are together. As you I'm crying right now.. of course. What else is new. My god I'm shaking! You know.. he's the one person that I feel I could run to anytime I was hurt and he was there for me, but now I he's the one person I can't run to... and this hurts.... I love him so much. SO so much. Why does this have to happen... Why do I have to suffer? I know that she's probably just a new thing and I have to comfort myself with that thought, but then all the what ifs come to mind. Everything just keeps coming back about mine and his past and GOD DAMNIT IT HURTS! I've got 10 people talking to me right now on all kinds of messangers trying to calm me down.. it's 11:30 at night and my mom is up trying to calm me down. I just can't help it.. It hurts. I have hate cuz it hurts, I'm wishing the worst stuff possiable cuz it hurts. Its not that I really mean it, it just sounds like a good way to solve things. Why is she better than me? Aaron says cuz I don't know how to treat people which I don't get at all because I treated him with respect, honestly, love, kindness, trusting, everything. What the fuck! ? I don't get this. Now I know why David is always saying that he knows there is a better reason that he was stuck on this world. Because he's been hurt, like me, and its the only kind of hope you have left for yourself. Thats okay. I'm going to figure something out. Something IS AND WILL HAPPEN I don't know what yet. But its not going to be pretty. Aaron wants to not talk to me cuz he's got a gf, hell I bet he don't even go to the concert with me now that or he'll want that bitch to come. So I don't know, maybe I won't go. They will probably break up by then. Audrey will find something better than Aaron, cuz trust me, Audrey is a very beautiful girl, guys aren't going to stop flirting with her cuz she's got a bf. And its abvious that she flirts with bfs cuz thats how come she ended up not being with the one with she was, thats why she is with Aaron, thats okay. I'm just going to laugh whenever they break up. While he's boo whooin over her I'm going to laugh, cuz you know what, I bet it will hurt him and I hope it hurts I hope he fucking wants to do everything in his power to get her back and she won't let him go back to her, cuz you know what, thats how the FUCK I FEEL! Adios world. I'm going to go the fuckin mental hostipal soon. After Huskette Tryouts anyways, I need to get on that! Bye World.

2003-04-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

Okay... so.... this weekend.. has been fun. Friday... I went to my dad's house after school.. spent 3 hours doing my hair, and Aaron comes over and says "Oh, the Linkin Park concert was canceled" So that sucked! So then I ended up going for a bike ride and went to my friend David's house. We played pool for a little while... I beat him! OH ya! Go me! Anywho.... so then afterwards I went home and I stayed home.. which sucked. Saturday morning I got up around 10:30ish and I went after Sean and we went to the mall. I got my Harry Potter 2 DvD and then we jumped on these hudge trampolien things which was totally awsome! He was doin back flips.. you loose your feeling in your stomach each time you do it. Its weird. But very fun. Then we ran across the street to coconuts and grabed some cds and then we went to Platos cuz it was 1:00 then and thats what time I was supposed to be at work and by the time I rode my bike back to dads house and then rode to my moms house I would be like an hour and half late... So i bought some pants at Platos for $6.00 and then I called my David to pick me up. He came and we put my bike in his jeep and we came back to my apt. And then I got ready for work and he drove me to work. It was an intresting day.. but very fun. At work I got reconized! A customer put in a complement card about me and put how excellent of a worker i was! BROWNIE POINTS! Anywho... I got off at 9 and I was pooped! So I came home and fell asleep watchin HP2! This morning I woke up and went to work at 10... then I got off at 7. My mom and me went to go look at a car... it was awsome! I love it ! I want it! Its a mitibushi Eclipse and its a convertable! $7800!!!!!!!!!! Anywho!! I still have to go get my lazy ass dad to go look at it and I have to sell the damn cougar in 2 weeks! What a bitch! That or I am going to have to follow the damn women to the car lot so I can exchange the cougar for her car! I've not heard from Aaron all weekend.. except on Friday... its like he tries to dodge me.. Jk. I dunno. Oh I went to Walmart tonight and ran into a friend of my mine.. leah..and we talked for awhile and then she had to go, so I went along doin my buisness and then I ran into Jamie.. a gurl I went to school with all my life until now.. me and her were never really friends... but she was pregnant last year and she has her baby now.. he's a cutie! Aren't all kids though? She really changed.. and she's really sweet. I tolded her where I worked so she's supposed to come by sometime. It was weird seeing her. I met a new gurl at work.. her name is Jeanette. She's really cool. And Jeremy is supposed to go look at the car and tell me the goods about it cuz I'm a woman and don't know nothin! So he wants to see it anyways. Well I think.. thats it.. adios world goodnight!

2003-04-06T23:03:00.000-05:00

I lied.... last night i fuckin cried for 30minutes because of Aaron! I know he was at prom with THAT FUCKING BITCH and i wasnt there. it was supposed to be me.. he asked me first! HE ASKED ME AND THEN WENT AND ASKED HER! FUCKING BITCH NEEDS TO GO AWAY. THEY'VE GOT CLOSER THAN EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE! GOOD FOR HIM I HOPE THE BITCH FUCKS HIM OVER! I HOPE SHE CHANGES HER MIND! I HOPE HE CRIES LIKE I DO BECAUSE HE MISSES HER SO MUCH! BECAUSE HE TRIES FOR 8 MONTHS TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER AND SHE FINDS ANOTHER GUY AFTER ALL THAT TIME OF TRYING. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM. BECAUSE I'M STILL CRYING. THATS WHY I HATE HIM. I HAVE TO LEAVE.... SOME HOW.. I CAN'T BE NEAR HIM OR THINK ABOUT HIM AND I ONLY KNOW ONE WAY TO DO THAT. AND ITS NOT PRETTY. BUT I HATE HIM BUT I'M STILL CRYING AND I'M TIRED OF CRYING... IT DOESN'T HELP BEING HIS FRIEND, IT DOESN'T HELP BEING HIS ENEMY. WHAT THE FUCK! I MISS HIM SO MUCH. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE CUZ YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S HAPPY NOW... WITHOUT ME HE'S HAPPY... I KNOW ITS WHAT I WANTED HIM TO BE IS HAPPY, BUT I WANTED HIM TO BE HAPPY WITH ME! WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME. EVERY GUY LIKES SAMANTHA, NO ONE CAN LIKE ME. I CAN'T COMPETE WITH AUDREY, BUT I JUST WANT HIM BACK! I HATE HIM BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND THE HURT WENT TO HATE! AND TEARS! I TRY TO HAVE FUN, BUT U KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, I MISS HIM, I MISS HAVING FUN WITH HIM... HOW COME HE COULDN'T GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????? I MUST DEFORMED OR SOMETHING! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME THAT EVERY GUY DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME. I GOT ASKED OUT BY THIS GUY, BUT I TURNED HIM DOWN BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE HIM. THE ONLY REASON I WOULD GO OUT WITH HIM IS TO GET OVER AARON, AND THAT WOULD MEAN I'M USIN HIM. AND THEN THATS FUCKIN WITH HIS FEELINGS, AND I'D JUST HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH HIM. NO POINT OF ALL THAT FUCKIN SHIT. GOOD NIGHT. AGAIN.

2003-04-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

OMG!!! COOL WEEKEND!! AWSOME!!! FUN!!!! Anywho Friday was Aarons birthday... and umm... besides what I wrote in my blog at that time I had a great night after that. Samantha came over and I was freakin out about the storms. Then she did and we watched Rock Star and Wild Things... both good movies. Then afterwards we went to sleep cuz it was like 2am and she had to leave a 9 so we passed out. That morning she left and I woke up at 11:40 whenever she called asking if she was going to be able to go to the wedding with us. SO after dad got outta bed I asked him and he said yes, so we got ready. She did my hair it was soooooooooooo cute! I wish I could do it like that everyday. Then I did my usual design to her hair. I took to french braids and went straight back then made it one braid in the end. Sounds kinda ugly but its really cute once its done. Then.. we went to Kohls and went shopping with the credit card and I got the cutest out fit! I got some khakies like the ones I had cuz that one girl stole my favorite ones.... so its all good! Lol. The wedding started at 2.. and by the time we drove all the way out to New Harmony, it was 4! LoL.But that was also cuz we stoped and ate at mcdonalds. So anyways. of course, me and samantha, made ourselves gordious and went guy rating (rating every guy that is reasonably our age) lets just say, we got around that night. I met so many people in Dunkuns family and the best part is.... they live in Boonville! Only... the one guy that came with Dunkun but wasn't in our family... he was 17... and very hott!.... he lives in Perry county! OMG! Its 3 hours away! The only cowinkidique about that is thats where my grandma lives... bad part is.... she and my grandpa are having problems and my dad doesn't want me to go up there. Oh well... I can always make the excuss of wanting to go to the overlook in Cordyn! LoL. Zach... who was 24 was drunk as hell and was trying to get samantha set up with this guy. It was funny, and then he did the limbo with us and danced with us. They played Ludicrus and they called him out to do a solo. Then I had to show some people how to do the Charlie Brown. It was so bad! When Eminem songs played Lee (the 17 year old) was up there sayin every lyric to every song and I was like damn! Then the adults were up there sayin the lyrics too... but they were too drunk to know what they were doin anyways. When the oldies songs came on.. me and samantha danced like they used to then.. then his one guy showed us some knew steps and he was dancin with Samantha, so I got to show lee the new steps.. it was cool. So then we got to do that for awhile, then we danced to slow songs! IT was great. FAMILY REUNION!!! I NEED ONE! LoL. and have Dunkun invite his friends! ANother thing is Lee reminds me of Greg.. only like 10 times younger! That was what was so great about it. After the wedding I went to Jojo's and ate breakfast then we passed out the minute we got into bed. I had to wake up early today and go to work. I worked from 10-6. It sucked, and it was long! We were supposed to get a mystrey shopper today and maybe if they went through my line I didn't do bad.. like the last one. Well I came home took a nap.. and guess what I'm awake again! So I'll be up for awhile and go to bed around 3. Well I'm gonna go. I've had enough for now. I unblocked Aaron. I don't know why.. just did. Maybe one of these times he'll say hi, I feel its my only way that he is able to talk to me.... you know just to hi or something. Its going to take a lot more than a simple sorry, cuz like him I can't forgive that easy. But, you know... maybe one day when he feels like he misses me and wants me back in his life, he'll say something. Well adios. Bye world.

2003-04-04T18:56:00.000-06:00

Aaron's birthday is today. I hope a fuckin tornado goes over his house! I've done got pissed off again. I tried to be nice today but then when I called him... I heard that bitch that he goes out with. I don't know for sure if they do or not, but he's going to at some point so I might as well face it. My God it hurts! Why the fuck does this happen, This is why I stoped talkin to the asshole! AUDREY JUST NEEDS TO DIE! I'm sorry... she's sweet and innocent and nice, but obviously she's the only damn thing keeping me from Aaron! She has been since me and him were friends. Thats it though. Never again. I refuse... I'm not talking to him. Never callin him, never saying one damn word! He can rot in hell. Somewheres I won't be! Cuz I'm already livin in Hell and Aaron is just the fucking Devil! He hurts me so much, and I can't figure out how the hell I care about him or why even. Its something I just really wanna know. Maybe the damn tornado will go over my house and then I can die, then I won't have to deal with the pain anymore! Besides, can hurt more than this!? I don't really want to know the answer to that question. I hope he's happy. I really do. I hope he's happy so that one day he'll fuckin suffer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT HIM TO FEEL WHAT I DO! EXACTLY OR WORSE THAN WHAT I DO! I know he already knows this, but sometimes I have to type things more than once because when you are crying like I still am, you want the hurt to go away, and sometimes its the only way.... to HAte! And at this point I HATE THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE! I bought him birthday presents and all, I don't regret it, I live up to my promises, unlike him. He promised me a lot of things for our future and that never happened... yet. If he would just give her up and come back to me as a friend, as dating, or as going out, I would be fine, but thats not going to happen SO FUCK YOU BOTH AND I HOPE YOU GET HER PREGNANT SO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING MISTAKES FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE! JUST LIKE ME! I MADE A MISTAKE! BUT YOU CAN"T FORGIVE ME NOW CAN U!? YA I"M NOT PERFECT AND NEITHER WERE U AND I LOVED YOU SO I DIDN"T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT! I GOT OVER IT! AND I"M GOING TO GET OVER YOU! I HOPE YOU PAY FOR WHAT SHIT YOU PUT ME THROUGH>>> I KNOW I SOUND CRUEL AND LIKE A HEARTLESS BITCH< BUT LOOK AT THE ONE PERSON WHO IS STILL HURTING ME! BESIDES THE POINT, I'M PISSED, I'M HURT, AND I'M EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE, AND YOU FUCKED WITH ME, NOW DO YOU GET IT? YOU CAN JUST SUFFER THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, I WANT YOU CRY FOR 7 MONTHS OVER SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FORGIVE U. IF YOU EVER WANT ME BACK AS FRIEND, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO DO A LOT MORE THAN JUST WRITE ME "I'M JUST A JERK" EMAILS. CUZ SORRY DOENS'T MAKE UP FOR THOSE 7 MONTHS.. SO WHAT DO I WANT YOU TO DO.... I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT, YOU COULD SOMETHING, YOU KNOW ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, YOU FIGURE IT OUT. ADIOS WORLD. ADIOS AARON!

2003-04-02T23:36:00.000-06:00

That last post was really long. Today I had a lot more fun! No school... once again. I had to stay at home. Well until 2:40.. then I went to my dads house. I called my friend Sean up and told him to meet me at Washington School... but he had to wait till Five... so I just rode my bike over there and then we went bike riding for about 2 and half hours. It was a lot of fun. We went to my moms house so I could change clothes cuz I was burnin up hott. Then we went to Buylow cuz I needed to request to get off for Huskette Try-Outs. Then we went to Walgreens on Oak Hill... I got an ice cream and then we decided to walk for a change... so we kept our bikes locked up and we walked a little bit down oakhill... ran across the street.. walked down another street for awhile then we came back to our bikes after like an hour of just talking about stuff... LoL.. and then I did a cart wheel in someones lawn cuz I was so hyper! We finally got back to our bikes and got back headed home. I went with him back to his place, then I went by my ex-bfs house.... I wanted to see his little sister cuz me and her were so close and she was always really nice. But she wasn't home... she was out with her big sister... (the organization Big Brother Big Sister) but I'm going back there on Friday. After my interview... I'm going to join it.. I think... I might change my mind. LoL. I've always wanted a little sister...thats why i went to go see Rebecca... I miss her. I miss going out with Chris too. But just like Aaron, Chris got sick of me too. Me and Chris were friends for ever! And now I don't even talk to him... hopefully I can start being friends again with his sister and then try to talk to him some. Anyways... I really am going to start working on grades, and my shaping my life, I'm a bum, and I don't do anything, I don't want to be the person that shows I don't do anything on my college application. And I've decided that I'm going to major in media... its what I'm best at... maybe i could minor in journalism. Well thats it for now.. I've got drivers ed test tomorrow that I really need to study for. Adios World... my life is changing!

2003-04-01T15:44:00.000-06:00

Today.... I had to go home from school the second I got there.. it sucked. Oh well. I ended up going to my grandma's house and we went around town. I got to drive. I had to go to CVS Pharmacy to pick up my perscription, and then we went out to carriage houses because I have family there and we had to go visit them. I went out to eat and then I went back to my grandma's house... which is where I am now. I'm stuck here till 8:00 too. I don't think I"ll be at school tomorrow. Actually, I know I won't be there. I can't even go to work tonight! Not that I wanted to! I just need the money. Its so hard not talking to Aaron, its only been a day and I keep thinking "Oh, maybe I should call him" I'll find myself an excuse to call him. But I can't, I have to stick to this. If he cares then he'll call me. Thats the way I look at it. I don't know if he reads my blogs anymore, probably not, but oh well, thats what happens when u loose a friend. One of these days he'll never talk to me cuz I screwed up. I know we aren't talking now, but I do really wish that someday we will be friends again. I mean, I gave my virginity up to him, and I don't want to loose contact with him ever, because thats something that meant a lot to me, and Aaron is something that meant a lot to me, and I don't want to loose him too. I just need to get over him, and the only way to do that is be away from him. Besides, he needs to go out with Audrey and then get over her too.. cuz she'll just probably hurt him or he'll hurt her, one of the two. Either way I hope one day he feels what I felt. I know that is really mean, but its the truth, maybe then he'll relize how much it hurts. I keep having the temptation to read his blog, but I'm scared that if I do, I'll find out imformation that I don't want to. He's probably already going out with Audrey. and concidering I lost my bf over him, it sucks, cuz I don't have anyone. It was my decesion to break up with my bf at the time for him, but I thought I had a really good chance of being with him, but I'm not going to get my heart played with for the rest of my damn life, its just not happenin! I blocked him on AIM, so I don't have to know when he's online. I do want to talk to him at the Linkin Park concert... I have something for him, but whenever Brad picks me up, hopefully I'll be able to sit next to him and give him this thing. I got off work for his birthday, cuz I was going to spend it with him, but Audrey told me that she was so I decided that I wasn't going to be able to, and after tellin him not to talk to me, what else am I supposed to do. I can't believe I'm still going on about him! I want to get over him, but its too fuckin hard! Everytime I try to go on, and move on, somehow, he's always in my mind. It needs to stop. I want to talk to him so bad, but I can't, not unless he calls me. But I don't know if I really want him to. I do but I don't. I miss hangin wit him and being with him, but I don't want to be hurt anymore,. I don't want to know who the hell he's with and when he's not home cuz he's out with her. I just wish that I could have it my way, and that we be how it used to be. Oh well, I fucked up. He can't forgive people. Its his problem, but I will move on, I don't care how fuckin long, I'm was tired of his shit, so now I don't have to deal with it! ADIOS AARON! I don't want you to call me! I think hate is beginning to form. I just hope she dumps you like a fuckin rock off the damn edge of a mountain, maybe then you'll learn, I know you are tired of hearing how I feel for you, but deal with it! Its obvious that you don't give a fuck about me because all you ever did was kept me on hold and used me like a damn tramp. Ya so what if you hate me now! I don't care! I hope you hurt. I hope you get hurt really bad! As far as the linkin park concert goes. I'll still go, I want to go, and I want to have fun, and hopefully with you it will be, and maybe you'll have fun too, and maybe you'll change your mind. <---- To Aaron only! Sorry people that just kinda came out! Confused is how I am! And if he really cares... he'll call. Rather I want him to or not, if he cares, he'll call, just to say hi or ask how I'm doing... but I don't expect him to call. Cuz I don't really think he does care. Just because I say mean things to him, its because I'm hurt, and I'm mad, and insane, but if he did care, no matter how hated I feel for him, he would. He's done it before. My friends who read this... plz help me, I'm so lost and confused, I don't know what to do, I seek help, and hopefully you'll be there to offer it. Aaron is a part of the past, that came to kick me in the ass. Maybe that was his intentions the whole time... "Oh lets go run to Riley, she'll give me some, she'll make me feel good, she'll be up to do something, she always is! Lets just go fuck with her emotions" I know he says he never meant to hurt me, but how come it happens everytime we are together, why can't he just see! ITs not that I don't want to be near him I just want him to fuckin forget about Audrey! She is really sweet... and really nice, and really helped me out, but the pain hurts! FUCK YOU AARON AND YOUR WHOLE DAMN FUCKING LIFE! Plz someone... just help... I'm fuckin insane! I'm going to loose him for good... even for the future as friends, but I'm just so damn hurt I don't know what i feel. And Aaron, like if you are reading this, I'm sorry for the things I say in here... but you should understand what I feel. You say you do anyways.... Well thats it for now. Once again Aaron, I'm sorry. I'm just upset, hurt, mad, however you want to put it. I have a poem of hatered... its almost done, and I"m debating rather to put it on here or not, whenever its done I'll decide.

2003-03-30T23:59:00.000-06:00

I said goodbye to him. I'm not going to talk to him. I'm going to the Linkin Park concert together with him and his friend Brad and that will be it. I figure that if he ever misses me enough he'll call. But I think its better this way for awhile. If we end up together I want to be the only girl in his life that he has feelings like love feelings for. I really don't think we'll end up together, he'll probably never trust me again. I know I'm risking a lot by not talking to him, but I need to get over him, and until I can, its the only way. I want him happy, and i know that he will be happy with Audrey. I'm jealous of them, and I'm just the jeolous ex in the way. So now I'm out of the way. Its not that I don't want to be his friend, its just I don't want to get hurt. Maybe be next year, maybe it will be never that he calls, but I aint listen to it. I'm not gonna get hurt ever again. I'm through with guys until college. Guess high school relationships are a joke anyways. I need to think about work and my life, I don't have time to being screwing around with boys.. none of the cuz anything but problems. I had a good spring break. Samantha was in Chicago. Hmm... I went to a sleep over with my church youth group and went and teepeed the guys! LoL! it was great! OH and plus we silly stringed them too... I had a lot of fun. Thats it for now.

2003-03-27T23:28:00.000-06:00

Today....
I don't know what I feel. Everytime I'm with Aaron and we are alone, I'm happy. I feel like its right. But other times.. its different. He took me to the river tonight, only because I asked him to. He didn't want to be there, and he wasn't happy being there. I know that. But I hate going home, I hate my house, I hate my life, and hate everything. I don't have a bf, I don't have a best friend(a real one.), I don't have a home, I don't have a family, I don't have anything. My future, is full of shit! All I want is a family and to be happy. I know I'm only 16 and I have the rest of my life to have that, and it sounds dumb to want that. And I don't , I want to be able to live me life out and have fun, but when I was with Aaron, when we went out, I thought I was going to marry him, and i was fine with that, hell i was ready. I loved him that much, I wanted to give up all of my life for him. The reason why I used to be friends with benifits with him was because I didn't want him to come back to me for sex. Now, I don't want to be friends with benifits because he'll feel that I will kiss him anytime he wants, and he doesn't even have to go out with me. Thats what I think anyways, I dont want my emotions envolved unless his are too, so I told him that we were going to date or none at all, he chose to date.We rented some movies, and it was all good. I had a fun watchin them. I hope he had fun. I threw Aaron a suprise party yesturday... it was great. His friends Brad, Errick, Bethany, and Audrey were all there. Although he came over for a whole 30min last night and talked to Audrey for 4 god damn hours! He has talked to me until 6am one night but we were only on the phone for like 2 hours. Cuz I was out late that night. Thats okay. I wish I would die. Maybe life would be better for everyone else if I wasn't here. I know I would be better. But I can't kill myself, I'm not that pathetic. I'm not David, I'm not going to have people talk me out of sucicide. And I defitanly am not killing myself over some guy that I love. Well thats it for tonight adios.

2003-03-25T21:24:00.000-06:00

I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My GOD... EVERYTHING FUCKING THING I DO... ITS ALWAYS WRONG, I WISH MY LIFE WOULD GO AWAY. I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH AARON, BUT EVERYTIME I TRY HE ALWAYS JUST WANTS TO LAY DOWN AND WATCH TV OR SOMETHING. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME... FOR ALL I KNOW HE FUCKING HATES ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL. I KNOW WHAT I FEEL FOR HIM, I KNOW THAT IN MY HEART I WANT TO BE WITH HIM, BUT I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE HELL HE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERYTIME I SEE AUDREYS NAME ON HIS BLOG, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE HAS TO PRETEND I'M DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER FRIENDS JUST BECAUSE WE WENT OUT AND HAD SEX. BIG FUCKING DEAL. I HATE HOW HE TREATS ME DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER FRIENDS. HE EVEN PUT IN HIS BLOG THAT ITS HARD HANGING OUT WITH ME BECAUSE WE WENT THRO SO MUCH... WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! YA WE SOMETIMES GET CARRIED AWAY WITH STUFF, BUT WE SHOULDN'T BE EVEN START IT. I DON'T KNOW IF HES SCARED ITS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN... AND THATS WHY HE DOESN'T LIKE BEING WITH ME OR WHAT THE FUCK THE DEAL IS. I HATE IT THO... NO MORE....I REFUSE... THATS IT... THATS IT... I HATE THIS LIFE... I HATE THIS WORLD.... I WISH IT WOULD ALL JUST DIE! IF THAT MEANS ME TOO... THAN SO BE IT.. ITS BETTER BEING HERE WITH PEOPLE WHO HATE YOU AND DONT LOVE YOU... ITS BETTER THAN BEING HERE IN PAIN AND DEPRESSED... ITS BETTER THAN HAVING PEOPLE SAYING... SORRY... I'M SORRY YOUR DEPRESSED.... I'M SORRY YOUR LIFE IS TOUGH.... ITS BETTER THAN HAVING THOSE PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR ME.....ITS BETTER THAN PEOPLE SAYING THERE SORRY FOR STUFF THEY CAN'T CHANGE....ITS AGRIVATING.... I JUST WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS... FRIENDS THAT I CAN TRUST... NOT HAVE TO GET AGRIVATED AT... FRIENDS THAT I CAN TRUST... FRIENDS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE WITH... SO WHY THE FUCK IS THAT SO HARD... WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ME! WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME FOR ME AND SOMEONE THAT I CAN LOVE... WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE OF AARON, AND HOW MUCH I MISS HIM AND WANT TO BE WITH HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, MAYBE IS BECAUSE I'M STUCK AT NORTH AND MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED AND I MISS HAVING A FAMILY, MAYBE ITS BECAUSE MY MOMS BF KEITH CALLS HER EVERY DAMN 10 MIN AND ITS ANNOYING... MAYBE ITS BECAUSE SHES ONLY BEEN SEEING HIM FOR 3 MONTHS AND THEY ARE TALKING MARRIAGE... MAYBE ITS BECAUSE THEY ARE GROSSING ME OUT... MAYBE ITS BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO CONTROL MY LIFE... MAYBE I'M JUST TIRED OF THIS LIFE... MAYBE I JUST NEED A NEW ONE..... MAYBE... JUST MAYBE.

2003-03-24T23:57:00.000-06:00

NASHVILLE!!!!!!!!!

Leaving at 9:00 in the morning is not such a good idea to go to Nashville to spend the day. We were supposed to get there around noon, and we didn't get htere till like 2. My mom got lost and we had to make a million stops! It was so agrivating.. I gave her dirrections but she just won't listen! Anywho, we made it there.... it was awsome. We went to the Opryland Hotel... it's the largest hotel in America! All of the presdients have stayed the night there except... George W. Bush. What's his problem? I mean he's been there, gave a speech and everything... but he can't stay? What kinda crap is that! Anywho. It was awsome... they had a lake, waterfalls, all kinds of stores and gardens in it. Very Cool! After we were done there, we went to the mall... I bought a whole bunch of spegetti's for summer! And I also bought some Nike shoes.... and some other crap I don't need. LoL. But I mean I do, but I don't have room for it... oh well... bye bye old clothes! JK....Anywho.... well thats it for tonight.. good night world.

2003-03-23T02:00:00.000-06:00

Long Bad night

ITs funny how things can change on u in one night. I was supposed to have a great night.. I had a good day, me and my friend Breya had a lot of the fun at the mall. Aaron talked to me for awhile on the net. He is mad at me for what I said in the last blog. I'm sorry Aaron. I just want to be your friend tho, until you can fully make up your mind. Then we can see. I mean, I always thought we would end up together, but if we don't then we don't. I can't wait around all of my life for you. I've been waiting since Novemeber, and its been a long wait. I know you still haven't fully forgiven me for my mistake. I don't even know what I feel tho. I don't know if I have feeling for you or what. I mean, I do in ways, but I don't in others. I gotta do some thinking too.... I just need you to tell me how you feel. Anyways, that was just some info for Aaron.... lol. Tomorrow I'm going to church and u know what... I'm just going to pray! I am off so I'm going. Monday I am going to Nashville and I'm soooooo excited... tuesday is the day I get the hotel!!! Well thats it for now. adios world.

2003-03-21T23:31:00.000-06:00

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YA ITS HERE OH YA! Anyways... tonight its 11:18pm... I had to come home early cuz my mom is a bitch and wouldn't let me hang out with Neal and Greg. Greg didn't get off till 10:30 and he got in Evansville at 11:00 and just now got to green. I went out with Neal for a bit, he's nice and all, but I dunno, I don't really wanna go out with him. I like Greg, I like Greg a lot, he's sweet, funny, smart, cute, a christian, a virgin, I mean I have a lot of repsect for him because of this. I can't wait till our date. Its going to be so much fun.. I'm going to take him to this place where you can see the sunset and all of Evansville at once... Its so beautiful! He said that we would probably walk and talk for awhile. We are going to go see Final Destination 2... (I'm going to get scared!! LOL! You know what happens when i get scared... I grab the cutest thing near me!) <-- that would be Greg! Aaron never liked Scary movies, I'm so happy that Greg does. Aaron is dating some girls.... its cool tho... I don't care about him anymore... I lost my feelings for him... I guess that happens. I mean I'm his friend, but we don't talk except online and at school. He doesn't have time for me. Greg might be coming by my house tonight...hopefully, I wanna get my good night kiss from him! Hehe. He's out with his friends thou... so its cool. Neal's keepin an eye out on him tho. lol. I'm actually happy again, I guess cuz I don't have to worry about Aaron and how he acts so depressed all the time and he doesn't know what he wants, so I don't have to worry, its like all if its off my shoulders! So what am I doin spring break, tomorrow night, I'm hanging out with the bestest gurl in the world... Samantha, and then we probably will have Dad takes to the bowling ally where Neal, Greg, and Ryan will pick us up and take us out for night in the city. And Sunday... thats my date! I'm going to church, prayin about it, then go on my date! I can't wait! Monday I'm going outta town.... its off to Nashville for me! ADIOS EVILLE! Tuesday... I'm getting my hotel room and gonna go swimming and stuff.. party all night long. Me and my friend Christiana are gonna have a lot of fun... I'm staying there until Thrus. Thrusday I gotta work, Friday.... I dunno.... saturday.... I dunno....Sunday.... I dunno. Working of coarse but nothing planned afterwards so far. Hopefully whatever comes will be good. Over all I'm looking forward to Spring Break! Adios World!

2003-03-20T00:14:00.000-06:00

War... What is it good for.. absolutly nothin!
We are at war... hmm... I'm making history. I don't know what I feel about it... I think they should have done this a long time ago... like right after 9/11 instead of draggin this out. I think this is going to be a long war. And possiably the next World War. "Oh well.. life goes on..." "Right here right now, watching the world wake up in history..." Those are two things that keep runin throu my head besides "War, what is good for, absoulutly nothing".
Movin on. Aaron I'm sorry for things I say in this thing that hurt you, but its just how I feel about life. And the last blog.. I really meant it, thats why I wrote it. I just don't get u... but I dunno. You just put me through so much. And then u flash in front of me that you have a date with Audrey.. I don't want to know about it. Honestly keep that shit to yourself. I just hope one day your learn how I feel. There is only 1 person who knows how I feel and it's not Samantha. I feel a lot better after talking with this person though. They really helped me relize some things. "Oh ya.. life goes on.." Thats my theme for now. Life goes on. Even thou you don't want it too... it does. Oh well, at least i'm not one of those sucidial people that want to kill themselves over some stupid guy! I just wanna be happy.... My mom doesn't want me going with Greg, and I really like him, and I'm not sure what to do. I wouldn't be in this mess if I didn't go out with Aaron... I heard from so many people he was an asshole, but no, i couldn't see him being on, If i knew I would have lost everything I've ever had over him, I would have never gone out with him. I'm an idiot...and I hate myself. I hope everyone is happy with that cuz they are going to have to deal with it. I'll never be me. Never be that good girl who never did anything wrong. Why did I change? I wish I could take everything back. But u only live once right? I wish I could just go away for a few days, get away from my problems... I want to go back to FL! I was happy there. Best time of my lfie infact! Well thats it... Adios world. I hope you guys are happy with your fucking sevles (no affense to Breya and certian friends)

2003-03-19T16:03:00.000-06:00

I've missed a day. Me and Aaron are just friends now... I hope he's happy cuz I'm not. Thats my own fault tho. I talked to some people today and I feel a lot better about it. Aaron is a confused man, if he goes out with Audrey thats fine. I just don't want to loose our friendship, i've lost so much shit to him it's not funny. If I loose contact with him... i'm not sure if I can deal. Its either I hate him or we are friends... it just can't be nuetral. I don't know whats wrong with me... why can't he just give me another try. I guess he doesn't feel how he used to... because of Audrey. It was annoying tho.. he was usin me as a stand by. If things weren't good with Audrey, he's run to me, if things were good with Audrey, it adios to me. And yet he doesn't get how he fucks with my feelings... hmm.. I wonder! I know that you have to look for a long time for that special someone, but I just always thought he was the one. Maybe I just need to grow up and dream on. I don't know. I'm just tired of all this crying... all these tears... over him. He doesn't relize what I feel, and that hurts! So much hurt. I don't know why I'm saying this, I don't want him to feel guitly, I want him to be happy, but happy with me. I try to change, I try to be who he wants me to be, but I can't help it. If he's not happy with me then so be it, but I don't know... I guess I just wish he was. I miss what we had... it was so right and perfect, it was like Cory and Tapanga relationship. I don't know, I guess love like that is only on tv... but how can it be when what I had felt so real. I think Aaron is hatin me now thoug... I'm tired of his games... WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME! Does he want me to hurt more? MY GOD. I'm so tired of it! ALL THIS MESS! I just wish it would go away.. no better yet... I wish i never went out with him! Therefore I wouldn't be stuck in this damn position, and I wish I never gave him my virginity, because that is what hurts me the worst, and its like NOTHING to him. Ya he gave it to me too, but I don't see him wanting me back like I do... I don't get it, you think you'd be happy if someone that you really loved wanted another chance.... and exspecially after you fuck with there feelings for 6 months... it KINDA HURTS.. but only just LITTLE! Well I'm going now... luckily... I'm not crying... Guess I can't! ADIOS!

2003-03-17T22:05:00.000-06:00

Well first off, I did go to Aaron's house, and I'm sorry to him for what I said in the last blog. I called him at 7 and he was eating. Anyways, I did have fun! I still think he has chosen Audrey, he's acting a lot different than usual. Well I'm tired, I must go, sorry aaron. Adios.

2003-03-17T18:34:00.000-06:00

Well is 6:21.... no AARON... man. I can't believe that he faked me out like this. Keeps tell me that we are going to do something then is never home, or makes plans with someone else. I can't believe this. My the greatest part of my dad... IS THE DENTIST! OMG! Oh, well, i know who he really wants now. AUDREY! I guess I already knew that though. Anyways. I really was looking forward to tonight, and i can't believe he did this to me. I'm kinda hurt by it. Anyways, I managed to save a little puppy's life today! He was running out in the middle of the streets and almost went into Boeke Rd! I got him, tied him up on a leash, and then I found the parents of the dog. I was happy. I ran around for 30 minutes chasing the poor doggy. Btw, the denist didn't hurt at all. They didn't give me a shot or anything, and it didn't even hurt! I was so proud of myself! Well I'm going to go. Maybe Aaron will call, if he's not out with Audrey. Well I must go. ADIOS.

2003-03-17T14:26:00.000-06:00

Today I have to go get my cavities filled. My first cavities in 16 years! What kinda crap is that? Anywho, I think Aaron and me are going to hang out tonight. I hope we have fun. He is supposed to fix my blog. Me and Audrey are really getting along, I'm happy! LoL. I bet she's prettier than me, I heard she was very pretty, so I'm scared I'm going to look like nothing to her. Oh well, life's a bitch... we all gotta learn to deal with it sometime. I feel sorry for Aaron, his sister moved out Saturday, his best friend is gone, he says she was the only one he could really trust and it makes him sad whenever he looks at her room. Its hard whenever people aren't there anymore that you love, I may not have a sister or a brother, but I do have family and love for other people, and I just wish the best or Aaron. It is really hard.For now I have to. Whenever I get out of the dentist, I'm going to call Aaron and then I'll write another blog tonight to let you all know how my painful experiances go.. and then the fun time too:) ADIOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!:)

2003-03-16T21:42:00.000-06:00

Just in addition to what I said about Aaron. He hasn't shown that he's very interested in me, and he has not given me any kind of clues to a comimment. So what am I supposed to do? Wait? Or try to find someone? How am I to know? Why should I keep getting hurt? Does he know how much I really love him? Why doesn't he trust me? Why can't he understand I won't hurt him again? Doesn't he know that it hurts to loose someone whom you love so much? Or would he just say, ya, but you have to get over those thing? Should I just get over him? Is it possiable? Is he causing me pain? Or is it just me? These are the questions that run through my mind, talk about confusing. Talk about love. Talk about how much Aaron means to me, talk about I wish this all would end I could be with him. Life doesn't always go the way you want it too though does it?

2003-03-16T21:11:00.000-06:00

Well I haven't wrote a blog in like ever! I talked to Audrey finally, she seems really nice. Friday night I was with Aaron, I really tried to make him happy and have fun with him. I also tried to have fun with Samantha, cuz she always feels left out and has a hard time dealing with me and Aaron together, she misses her ex bf. And she gets upset by it a lot. Aaron tried to make her feel better. I was happy that he did. I feel that way though everyday about Aaron, just wishing I could have him back. He said in his blog that he has almost reached his decision between me and Audrey. He was seeing who he had most fun with. I know it wasn't me, because I was trying to make Samantha happy, and he seemed like he was so bored. We went to go see Dare Devil, and it was a good movie. I had to make fun of it for a bit because I didn't want to cry, cuz it was sad at the end. :( Anyways, Saturdays night was AWSOME!!!!! I went bowling with Samantha. We met like a million guys! We played pool with this guy named Derick, he was 18. Then my friend Neal came and we just talked with him for while. Then his friend Greg came, and Greg is hott, but 20.. oh well I still got a shot. He's really sweet. Then Samantha met a whole lot of guys, as usual, but i kept my eye on Greg. I got a date with him too! I'm kinda excited about it. Hehe. I really care about Aaron and all, but I know he wants Audrey, and we did say that we are dating, and have the right to see other people, so its only fair! :) There is one other guy that I would like to be with, but I'm never going to see him again. Unless I go to the rodeo. Hehe. Well I'm in a good mood today, for working 8 hours. Well ADIOS! Bye!h

2003-03-13T21:15:00.000-06:00

Tonight, Aaron is at CPR class. I really just wanted to go somewheres with him tonight because he is going out with Audrey tomorrow night. Its like he doesn't have time for me. He always takes her out to eat, he always takes her and Ashley to the movies, but he has not taken me to the movies in forever! Oh well, its the price I pay for dating him. He says that he is going to stay dating me, even after prom. Thats okay. I'm going to move on now though. Whats the point of waiting for someone who keeps putting you on hold. I mean I have waited for 4 almost 5 months now! I'm really tired of it. Plus, its like he is hiding it from the world, like he doesn't want people to know. I feel like I'm nothing. Hes still tellin people that hes going to go out with Audrey, it really hurts too. Well I g2g. ADIOS people!

2003-03-12T22:16:00.000-06:00

Tonight I worked, I think I'm going to quit! They put all of the registers too those little spinner things that they have at walmart! Anyways, after work Aaron picked me up. Brad and Rachael (some friends of his) were with him, so we had to take them home. Aaron says he's not happy, that he's confused, and doesn't want to hurt anyone. I just wish he would tell me the truth on what he really wants because if he doesn't, I'm only going to get hurt worse, if it is bad. Which, most likely it is. I really think he wants to be with Audrey. I'm not for sure about it, but thats what I think. Oh I got tickets to see Linkin Park! I got floor too. I'm going with Aaron, Brad, and Kelly (Brad's gf)! Its going to be so much fun! I won't be writing much in class anymore. My teacher Mr. Martin is an asshole and he won't let me! I don't know, he hates me for some reason. Probably I didn't do that dumb basketball story he assigned me too! I mean, I had a denist appointment, its not like I could help the fact that they assigned stories that day! Then he wouldn't even give me another one! Oh well, He'll get over it! My friend Samantha (well shes my sister in a sence.. I've known her forever and she spends weekends and summers with me! LoL, anyways, shes having problems with her Ex bf Mike, and I don't know what to do. She wanted to be his friend, but he's not talking to her much. I mean she has moved on, but I know she still wants to be his friend so much! I'm friends with Mike too, and I don't know what to do! Its so confusing me! Oh well. Time to go, ADIOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-03-11T21:10:00.000-06:00

Its 9:00 and Aaron still hasn't called me! I miss him so much, and I know he's out with Audrey having fun, but hes not spent anytime with me since Saturday night, and he fell alseep, as always. Luckily my mom lightened up and said that me and Aaron could spend time together alone. Thanx mom! My mom thought that Aaron was using me and I'm not sure if she still does, but she's trusting me not to blow things again. I'm glad she's trusting me. Well today in Drivers Ed my friend told me that she got Linkin Park tickets, I still don't know if I"m going or not. My mom took me to learn how to parallel park, I did pretty good, but while I was out, I went to the stadium, to see if they had anymore tickets, and the people weren't there. I guess I have to wait till tomorrow. Man, I really want him to call me, I miss him, I want to talk to him. I know he's having fun, and I'm happy for him, but I don't know. I guess my feelings are just getting to me. I really care about him and I just want us to go back out, but we both agree its only good to date right now. I just hope things change after prom, but I'll just have to wait to see. Well thats all i got to say for now.

2003-03-11T14:24:00.000-06:00

Aaron says that we should just date, but after prom he was going to ask me back out. I really want to go back out with him. But the deal I made was with fate and now I'm all mixed up, I told fate that if it was meant to be that me and Aaron be together, then we would go to prom, well I'm not going. Audrey already has her dress! Oh well, I guess I'm still going to a linkin park concert with him, an thats better than nothing. Well I have to go. Thats it for today... for now anyways. Adios my peoples!

2003-03-10T22:20:00.000-06:00

All my life, I have been searching for the one. Then again, most everyone else has too. Back in August, I met this guy, his name is Aaron. I starting working with him at Buy-Low just a week before school started. At the time I was seeing this guy named Matt. And he was hott, but we only went on one date and we went to Holiday World for a "work" Picnic. A gurl lied to me and told me something Matt supposably said, and it made me mad. Aaron and I started talking mor and more at school because we had a class together. Then we got to talking about Hot Topic and a lot of things that we had in common. He asked me if one day I would want to go to the mall with him, and I told him ya. He was the first guy that was "allowed" to drive me around. He had a 1966 Mustang, and it was cool. He took me to a place where you could see just about all of Evansville at Sunset and it was so beautiful, it was really romantic too. Anyways.The day we went to the mall, we were looking around and we found out that one of the dresses was our favorite dress there. On the way home, he asked me out on a date, and naturally, I said yes. And that began our relationship. On our date, things didn't go well, as we planned. My friend Amy, she wanted a ride home, well we ended up giving one to her, but then went to Aaron's house as well. While we were there, Aaron took me into his room and closed the door. He told me to sit down on the bed and close my eyes. So I did. I felt him put something around my neck, when I opened my eyes, he had stuck his class ring on a chain and then he ask me to go out with him. So I said yes! In my opinion, it was the best relationship I have ever had! The way he treated me, the way he acted, what he said to me, it was all so great! Nothing was wrong! I had bf, who loved me for me, who was happy, and he was able to be with me more than I was used to because he had a car. I went to his family gatherings and there is this girl named Danielle there, and she was sooo sweet and cute. She was so nice to me. I thought his family liked me pretty well too. Aaron and I went to two concerts, we went to like 2 weddings (and I caught the boaquet at one!), we went out of town to KY and stayed in the hotel, I mean I was so happy with him! We went through a lot though, I mean tough times too, on September 17th, Aaron recked his car. Okay, not wrecked, but totaled it. We were turning and a car hit us. I am the only one who really remembers it. I remember looking both ways, turning, seeing the car, thinking oh we are going to make it, but then it happened. I heard the noise of the car hitting us. I thought oh shit, the car hit us, Aaron is going to be pissed! I figured I'd just wait till we stopped spinning out to see if Amy and Aaron were okay. So when we finally stopped I looked at Aaron and his head was on the string wheel. He was moving so I figured he was okay but just upset about his car. I didn't relize how bad the wreck was until I looked back at Amy. She was bleeding all over the place. I called 911 on my cell phone explained what happened and help was on the way. I got really shook up with Amy being hurt like she was. I had to call her parents and I couldn't get ahold of them, we were a block from Aarons house so Aarons dad saw the whole damn thing and was over with us in a heart beat. And I tried to call my mom but she was at school and I couldn't get ahold of her, so I called my grandma. We all had to go to the hospital and Amy was there till 10, so we waited on her. She ended up with a fractured skull, a concusion, and 27 stitches. The next day we all stayed home. That wasn't like the only thing we went through, there was so much more even after that, but I don't want this blog to be like 10 million pages long. But when I was with Aaron, I felt like he was the person I was going to marry, I felt like everytime I was with him, it was right and perfect, and nothing else could be better. So why did all of that have to end? Because of my stupid self. Aaron started doing swim team and he began to drift away from me, because he needed more sleep, but he was writing this girl, Rachael, all of the time, and never once wrote me. So I kinda got jeolous, but it didn't make me really snap until I read one of the notes myself. I totally misunderstood the note, and I know I should have talked to him, but I was too upset and angry, and I thought he would be happy with her. So I did it. I broke up with him, and I have regreted it everyday since. I tried despertally to get him back, but he would come. I guessed I really hurted badly. And I know I lost his trust, but I would have given anything to be with him again, happy. We kept talking until New Years Eve. We had gone to a dance together as well, and got a lot of pictures. LoL. After New Years Eve, we didn't talk for about a month and half. It was the week of Valentines that he called me told me that he was sorry for being such an asshole. I really liked him calling me and saying that, it made me feel better. We began talking as friends, but soon found ourselves in too deep. I began to get feelings for him again. Thats when I found about Audrey. Audrey is this girl that he likes. He asked her to prom. So I made a deal, which I will put after Prom, still leaving the door open for me and Aaron to go to prom together. No matter what he decides, I will wait till prom day to tell him what the deal is and who it was made with. It is not a bet and does not envolve money. Me and Aaron are now dating, although everyone keeps saying he is using me, and I don't think he is, I dont want him too, but I'm so tired of everyones shit. Cuz I still love him, I haven't stoped! I still want him with me as a bf, but I know I blew my chance, so now I have to go back in line and wait. Well thats enough from the history and past, now you know where all my problems and worries, and joys are coming from. So for now, Adioooooooooooooos!

2003-03-10T20:19:00.000-06:00

This is my first blog, there is a lot on my mind, but I need to figure out how the one person I truely love right now is. I will tell more later tonight, but for now adios.